


Us Against The World

by Chibletlyfe28



Category: Big Bang (Band), iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, This is gonna be frustrating, Why do I even bother with tags, mix and match, will add in ships as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-04 17:58:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11560422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chibletlyfe28/pseuds/Chibletlyfe28
Summary: Hanbin blames himself for everything. He's begun to rely on self medication to deal with his reality. How will the team be affected by the news when they find out. Will they be able to save him from himself before it's too late.Set during Mix and Match^^





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ~My babies are going back to Japan and I am feeling emotional again so this is the result, please let me know if you like it with a vote or a comment^^ Enjoy~

*Chapter 1*

I think I went too far this time. I think back to few hours earlier in the practice room.

The strong beats in the background are being highlighted by the sounds of our feet hitting the scratched hardwood floors. I can hear the other members breathing harshly but I can’t let them rest yet. We only have a couple days left till the evaluation and there are still so many mistakes to fix. I am not trying to hurt my members but if it’s not perfect then, we be that much further away from debut. The music stops and I see all the guys throw themselves down on the floor. “Hyung” Donghyuk chokes out while trying to catch his breath, “can we please take a break? We’ve been here since 7 am” I glance at the clock and my eyes widen in shock. It’s already past 10pm. I nod silently before making my way out of the hot room. I don’t have to look to know that I am being followed. I pause outside and slide down to the floor with my back against the wall. I take a deep breath and close my eyes and brace myself for the round of questioning I am about to go through. “so….you going to tell me what’s been on your mind or just stay quiet as usual?” I keep my eyes closed and stay silent. Bobby sighs and slides down the wall to sit beside me. “look I know that you prefer to keep things inside but it’s obvious that something has been up with you ever since WIN ended.” I can feel my temper rising so I stay silent. It’s like I have only two moods lately, really pissed off or overwhelmingly sad. “I don’t really know what’s up but you know you can talk to me right? You can talk to all of us—“ “I’M FINE!” I don’t know why I just yelled at my best friend and judging by the look on his face, he is just as shocked. I feel my hands start to shake and I know I need to get out of there. Just as I am about to leave, Bobby reaches out and grabs my wrist. I yank my hand out of his grip and shove him back away from me. There is a loud crash and a frame falls on the floor breaking. Jinhwan rushes out of the practice room to find out what the noise is all about and finds Bobby holding his bleeding hand with me standing above him. I feel my whole body start to shake and I turn around and run. I can hear Jinhwan yell out my name but I can’t stop. I run till I reach an empty room and lock the door. I can’t breathe and I can feel my chest tightening up. I fumble for my pockets until I find the cylinder shape I am searching for. Open it up and feel out 3 pills and swallow them dry. I take deep breaths until I feel myself start to calm down. I after the worst of the attack is over, I stay on the floor and even though my eyes burn, I refuse to let the tears fall. 

My phone has been going off in my pocket for the past couple of hours but I just noticed. It feels strange having it back after being without it for so long. I glance at the screen to see, 6 missed calls from the guys and about 40 messages.  
Kimbap: where did u go?  
Kimbap: r u ok?  
Kimbap: plz call, were worried about you  
Kimbap: plz come home….  
Kimbap: Bin plz…..

I don’t deserve the guys. I’ve let them down so badly and they still choose to follow my lead. I can’t help but feel like everything is my fault. If I was better and was able to give a good image, we would have won. All my members have given up so much and I keep letting them down. I would do anything to be on stage again. To see the look on the fans faces. I didn’t know that I would enjoy it so much until I actually experienced it. Now that it is over, I feel like there is a gap in my life. I can’t tell the members that I feel this way. What right do I have to feel depressed when I was the one who failed them. I suddenly feel the need to get my feelings out on paper. A few moments later, I am staring at the lyrics in the notebook in front of me. I laugh bitterly as I read the lyrics. I made this sadness I feel inside of me sound so poetic but in reality I just hate the pathetic me. I stare at the untitled work before scribbling something on the top.

Empty

I take a deep breath pack up my stuff and head back to the dorm.  
The walk back is a quiet one. I am only accompanied by the sound of soft rapping coming from my headphones. I don’t even know what song I am listening to because my mind is so far away. I am thinking of what I am going to say the guys, how I am going to face Bobby. Eventually I reach the dorm and head upstairs. I am still standing by the door when my phone starts to ring. It’s Bobby. I pick up and before He can say anything “I’m outside the door.” The other side of the line is quiet and for a second I think he has hung up on me. “ hold on, I’m coming” before I can protest he cuts off the line. I hear footsteps and the door suddenly opens. I am expecting to get hit but instead I am pulled into a hug. “I don’t know what is happening but I am sure there is a reason why you aren’t saying anything. I won’t pressure you anymore but you can’t just disappear like this. We were looking for you for hours!” I don’t have anything to say so I just stand in his embrace for a while. After a few minutes he sighs and lets me go but not before lightly tapping my head. “I love you and I understand that you need your space but if you ever push me again, I’ll kick your ass into next week” I can’t help but smile even though his words send a slight pain through my heart. “sorry hyung, I don’t really know what came over me” he smiles his classic bunny smile and runs his hand through my hair. “don’t worry Bin, it’s just a scratch” I shiver at his touch and quickly step away from him. He sees me shiver though but thinks it means that I am cold. “Why don’t you go get some rest, we have a meeting with Mr. Yang in the morning. Can’t have our fearless leader getting sick” I smile absentmindedly, I forgot about the meeting, I just turn and head to the room I share with Bobby and Jinhwan. I don’t even bother changing clothes so I don’t wake Jinhwan up and Just climb into bed. I have so many thing going through my mind but my heart betrays me and one word takes over..

Love….

I can see that It has started to pour outside. I stare out wishing I could stand out there and have the rain wash away everything I feel and think away. I close my eyes and prepare for yet another sleepless night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Hello lovelies, I have decided that I will challenge myself and attempt to update every Monday with longer chapters (goodluck with that one dude, have you met yourself?). This will hopefully be the schedule until school starts again. (AfterthatlordhelpusallI’malreadycrying)……in other news, DID YOU GUYS HEAR THAT iKON WILL BE ON INFINITY CHALLENGE?? I’m SHAKING!!!!! anyway..LOL enjoy~

My eyes open to the sound of yelling and Jinhwan and Bobby standing over my bed. If it were anybody else, I might actually be worried but after being with these guys for so long, they could have been holding knives and I still wouldn’t blink an eye. “seriously?” I say throwing an arm over my face, “as much as I’m sure you guys think your faces are pleasant to look at first thing in the morning, I’m not really in the mood for whatever it is you guys are doing right now.” They glance at each other as if telling the other to say something. I’m feel more awake now and they are acting really suspicious so I narrow my eyes at them both and asked with a frown “what is it?” Bobby nudges Jinhwan with his elbow so he clears his throat with a nervous laugh. “First you have to promise to not be mad.” I already had a bad feeling but hearing those words confirms my worry. I can already feel a headache coming so I just close my eyes and sigh. “fine, I promise now what is the matter?” with a nervous laugh Jinhwan tells me how Junhoe was trying to make breakfast and ended up getting in an argument with Donghyuk and now somehow the stove is broken. Before he finishes the story, I am already making my way to the kitchen. I can smell smoke and I can still hear raised voices.

This is so not how I wanted to start the day. I look to the clock to my right and see that it is about 6:30am. Our meeting with Mr. Yang is at 8. The two maknaes have yet to notice my presence in the kitchen but Yunhyeong who is standing off to the side watching them sees me and rushes over to my side. “Did Bobby and Jinhwan tell you what happened?” I nod with my eyes still on the yelling pair. “It didn’t make any sense though, what happened to the stove?” Yunhyeong takes his cap off and runs his hand through his hair and lets out a sigh. “I’m not really sure about that either...” I figure it’s time to ask the two idiots involved. “Hey!” they ignore me and keep fighting. “Stop fighting and listen!” they still don’t appear to have heard. I can already feel my temper rising. This is really not how I wanted to day to start off.   
Screw that promise to Jinhwan.

“WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LOOK AT ME!!!...please” 

They two idiots finally notice my presence. Donghyuk at least has the decency to look embarrassed and ducks his head blushing when he sees me and Yunhyeong watching them both but Junhoe is as shameless as ever and actually has the nerve to roll his eyes at us as if WE are the ones interrupting HIS morning. “anyone care to fill me in on what the hell happened in here?” neither of them say a word. “Okay, I think I worded that wrong. One of you better start talking before you both spend the next week in one on one practice with me” If I wasn’t so irritated, I might have actually laughed at the way the both started talking over each other once I said those words. Yunhyeong, however, had no problem laughing at the both of them. He patted my shoulder as he walked out saying “it looks like you have this under control, I’m gonna go get ready for the meeting. Don’t scold them too badly” I nod tiredly and face the boys who are still talking over each other. My headache has gotten really bad now and I really should take my medicine soon but I need to deal with this first. “one at a time children, please” I say as I massage my temple to try and ease some of the pain. It doesn’t actually help me at all but I see people on TV do it all the time so I figured I would give it a try. Donghyuk notices me and asks “Hyung, are you okay?” I wave off his question and remind him, “the stove?” June blurts out “it’s all because he won’t mind his own business for once.” “What did you say?!?” this sends them into another argument and I have had enough. My head is killing me and I am starting to feel my hands shake again. I take a deep breath and grab them both by the back of their necks. “I don’t particular give a shit about what happened or who did it but I do know that the money to fix it is coming out of both of your bank accounts.” They both start to argue with me but I silence them with one look. “That’s what I thought. Now both of you go get ready for the meeting, if you start fighting again-“ think for a moment “ I’ll… I'll ask Bobby to kick both of your asses.” I watch both their faces pale and I smile. “good, now go.” I let them both go and just as I am about to follow, a strong wave of pain hits my head and causes me to lose my balance. I manage to catch myself on the kitchen island but not before I feel something warm drip down my face. I bring my hand up to my face only to pull it away and see red. I plug my nose and move towards the sink but of course Bobby chooses exactly then to walk into the kitchen. “Why did Dongie and June run away from m- Hanbin what’s wrong? Why are you bleeding!?” I put my other hand to my lip to get him to quiet down. “Why are you freaking out? we used to get these all the time” On one hand, it is true, nosebleeds and IV drips are a regular part of the trainee life. On the other, this is the first time in a while since I have had one.

“Don’t give me that bullshit Bin, its been over a year since you had one” Bobby said rushing over. That is the downside of living with your best friend, they know too damn much. He puts his arms around me to guide me to the counter. “It’s a nosebleed Bobby, I can still walk.” I say but I still lean on him, grateful for his strength and warmth. He turns off the water and looks around for a clean towel to use. As he searches around I pull myself up on the counter and watch him move around the cluttered kitchen. “shit! why is this house so damn messy?” Bobby yells as he accidentally drops a bowl on his foot. I laugh a little at his comment because we all know who the messiest one is. He finally finds a towel and rushes back over to me. He wets the towel and gently begins to wipe the blood away. I don’t notice how close he is standing until I look up from my lap. I am still on the counter so we are at the same height. He is close enough that I can count every eyelash and see every freckle. I trace his facial features with my eyes. From his furrowed eyebrows to his pink lips that are slightly parted in concentration. His eyes suddenly meet mine and my heart starts to pound. It’s as if time freezes an I stop breathing as I look into his eyes. It is as if his eyes are searching for something on face but he isn’t sure what it is. His gaze lingers slightly on my lips and his eyes seem to darken slightly. I don’t know what is happening but I feel to overwhelmed. My voice comes out a little shaky when I say “h..has it s..stopped?” Bobby blinks and shakes his head as if he was in a daze and backs away from me nodding his head. I feel sad with the sudden loss of contact but I can finally think straight with him further away. There is a stretch of awkward silence where we keep glancing at each other unsure of what Just happened and I keep opening and closing my mouth because the words won’t come out properly. Just as Bobby is about to say something, we are both saved by Jinhwan entering.

“KIMBAP~” Jinhwan sings loundly, “what is taking you so long?, I’m starving.” I take this opportunity to get out of the kitchen. “I..I’m gonna go shower” I say as I practically run out of the room. Jinhwan watches me leave and I hear him ask Bobby, “what’s up with him? Wait, why are you so red? You sick?” I don’t stick around to hear Bobby’s answer. I grab my shower stuff from our shared room and run into the bathroom. I look at my flushed reflection in the mirror and take a deep breath to calm myself down. I keep replaying the scene from the kitchen over and over again. It might just be my delusion talking but I swear, he looked like he wanted to kiss me. I immediately push the thought out of my head. There is no way. As I calm myself down, I can here Yunhyeong and Donghyuk talking about what they think the meeting is about. At the mention of the coming meeting, my mood turns dark again and I get into the shower before my mind can make me feel worse than it already has in just a few seconds.

After a quick shower and weighing the pros and cons of not going to the meeting, I am finally ready to go. I got the living room and gather all the members together. “I’m not sure what this meeting is about but let’s not jump to any conclusions beforehand.” I say with my eyes on Yunhyeong and Donghyuk. I look around at each of them in turn, ignoring Bobby’s questioning gaze on purpose. When we pile into the van he tries to sit next to me but I pull Donghyuk in to the available seat. At the weird looks I get from the members I say, “Just trying to keep the maknaes from fighting.” I can tell they don’t believe me but thankfully they don’t question me any further. I can still feel Bobby’s eyes on me but I refuse to look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that this story is actually interesting to people^^


	3. Chapter3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will either be really short or late to post or hell, even both (What even is a schedule?). Shit kind of hit the fan in my house so who knows lol. Anyways, if Yang Hyun Suk seems like a complete snake in this well… it’s because he is an absolute snake and so are YG entertainment’s CEO and Board of Directors. #iKONdeservesBetter #iKONhasiKONIC~

The van ride in the way is deathly silent. You can feel the tension coming off the members in waves. I think back to when YG first contacted my family about me becoming a trainee. I remember how I was so excited. It had been my dream to be in the same company as my role model. I had been so blinded by my idol worship that I hadn’t thought twice about the things I would have to give up for the trainee life. I don’t remember the last time I hung out with friends. I’ve never been in any type of relationship. My mind starts to wonder towards Bobby at the mention of relationship but I pinch my thigh to keep me from turning around. I forget to take my medication so my headache is back and I can feel my stomach turning. I remember when I first started having to take these pills. I have always prided myself on having a strong mentality but after WIN, I feel like I’ve been losing my mind. All of my anxiety and stress has been eating me alive and I don’t want to worry my members so I can’t tell them. Ii don’t have the right to dump my problems on them after I failed to protect them. I’ve been told that I shouldn’t blame myself but I know it is all my fault. If I had helped us have a friendlier image. I spoke to Jiyong hyung about my worries because we have similar personalities and he understands me better than my members sometimes. He tells me not to blame myself. If I am being completely honest, I never expected us to win against the WINNER hyungs. The entire show was edited to make us look like cocky little shits and we weren’t ready for debut. It just hurts that we were put through that show and one of our darkest moments was televised across the entire nation. I am pulled out of my thoughts by the car stopping abruptly. I look out the window to see that we have arrived. My phone suddenly starts to ring and I look down to see that is my mother calling. I decline the call.  
Looking up at the building that suddenly looks more intimidating than ever, I can’t help but get a sense of apprehension. I can’t think of any reason why we would be called in. I look around and I can see my fear and worries reflected on their faces as well. I open my mouth to say something because I feel like I should but nothing comes out. Bobby sees me struggling and steps up. “Alright boys,” he says with a wide grin “we are gonna have to go in eventually, I can’t spend too much time out here, my fans might sense my presence” his bad humor brings smile to the members faces and I shoot him a small smile of thanks. He notices me and nods. Putting his arms around the shoulders of Donghyuk and Jinhwan and leads the team inside. My phone vibrates in my pockets again and I decline the call. I’ll text her when the meeting is over. On our way to the basement, I am reminded of our days of evaluations every week. The entire building is very dimly lit, putting a mysterious air around the building. We pass by the artist images on the wall and I can’t help but grimace when we pass by WINNER.   
We stop in front of the door and it is like my legs are suddenly afraid to move forward. I can’t shake off the feeling that something bad is about to happen and my headaches intensifies. I take a deep breath and enter the room. The earlier we get this over with, the quicker I can get to my medication. The boys file in behind me and we are all shocked to see the cameras that fill the all of the room. We bow hesitantly as we enter and shut the door behind us. I can see the pity written on the faces of the camera crew but, I cannot see why. I can hear the members whispering among themselves nervously but, I drown them out to think. What is Mr. Yang up to?  
Hyun Suk POV  
I finish my personal interview and I can’t help the satisfied smirk that takes over my face. Those boys won’t ever see this coming. My methods may seem cruel to others but after all pressure is what makes diamonds out of coal. I run a business after all and I can’t have any weak links. Since the WIN project ended, I still wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do with the Team B boys until recently. WINNER is doing well but their colors are too strong for me to make them do what I want. They don’t have the energy for what I want to create. The Team B boys however, you can see Big Bang’s energy inside them. I never intended to debut them when I started WIN, I just wanted to test them. They have the potential but they are not desperate enough. I want them broken. I want them to be at their lowest so that they will only see me as their lifeline. Nothing binds a person to your command better than blind loyalty. I can tell that they are going to do great things, I just have to break their spirits a bit more. I can already see the effect all this has had on Hanbin. I have plans for Bobby and Jinhwan as well. If I can completely own those three, I will completely own Team B. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I read the message telling me that it is time. I laugh to myself as I arrive at the door. I can already hear the nervous shuffling of feet inside the practice room. Get ready boys, its Showtime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel kind of bad because this is short and late but there are outside factors that are responsible for this TT^TT anyway I hope you guys enjoy reading. If you can, please let me know what you think. Praise or criticism is okay, I just feel like I’m talking to myself all the time here. (~^o^)~ I promise the next update will be longer and actually on time LOL, laterz^^


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this is really late….I really want to be able to stick to a schedule for once in my life but life and my inability to focus on one thing at a time keep me from doing so…….*Sigh* anyway enjoy this short chapter written during my COM class lol…. PS. Word of advice to the younger people: If you are offered and honors course in university, say no and ran as fast as you can in the opposite direction, no amount of scholarship money is worth your peace of mind and sleep^^ Thank you for taking your time to read this~ leave of comment if you are feeling generous or just want to leave some criticism, or even just want to tell a joke or talk about your day, I get lonely at times (/TT_TT)/

The boys and I are joking around and talking but even humor can’t block out the nervousness we all feel. Eventually we all give into the pressure of waiting and cannot even laugh anymore. I start to remember how we all felt when WIN was announced. Surely he won’t do that to us again. I’m still barely holding on to my sanity as it is. My head won’t stop pounding. I can feel my heart racing and I start to sweat. All the sounds in the room begin to fade out but I faintly hear the door open. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the members bow a full 90 degrees and there is no doubt in my mind the Mr. Yang has entered the room. My head feels fuzzy but I also quickly bow. Mr. Yang is in essence our owner. We are all just trick ponies in his and his brothers' capitalistic circus. Behind the glitz and the glamour of the idol life, it has just become a high scale slave ring. I have spent the majority of my young life within the walls of YG entertainment and it is too late for me to find another path. Music is all I know how to do. It is what keeps me sane. This is true for the boys and I know that if we do not make it soon, we are over. I met the dark empty eyes of Mr. Yang and he gives me a greasy, smug smile. The feeling of dread I had when I first walked in rushes back. The room gets so quiet and even Bobby who cannot control his energy reduces his fidgeting down to a slight tapping of his foot. A soft nasally voice rings out across the tense room. “Hello boys”. Not a sound comes out from us. “I bet you are all wondering why I called you in. l...” He continues to talk and the more he speaks, the worse I feel. The scariest thing about Mr. Yang is that he never raises his voice. He speaks softly and every words feel like a poisoned thorn into your heart. He says it all with a sick smile on his face. The senior artists all imitate the way he talks but we never forget the dread we feel at the time we first hear it. The YG family he loves to coin is less about love and more about fear. We bond together in the way we cringe when we are called up to his office. In the way, we bitterly laugh at the things we are told about ourselves. All the late nights practicing and the group trips to the ER. All these thing that makes idols and trainees feel less alone. I look around to the faces of my members and watch as their expressions go from hopeful to perfectly blank. We have become used to hiding our emotions from both the President and the cameras. “They are downstairs right now on their way up” says gleefully, as if he didn’t just drop a bomb. As if he didn’t just decide to gamble with our biggest strength. At least we have a name…iKON. A name with a lot responsibility. We must become the best. All six of us. Well…seven now. 

(For those who watched Mix and Match, you will see that I have taken several creative liberties. If you have any complaints, feel free to share them but I may or may not actually do anything about them. While I love to hear your thoughts and opinions, this is and will always be my creative interpretation and if that bothers you…well I don’t particularly give a shit^^)

He smiles to himself and the two strangers enter the room. I don’t miss the look that passes between the boys and Mr. Yang but decide that it is something to be dealt with later. The boys enter the room fully and stop a couple feet from us. Mr. Yang fixes a grossly predatory look on the boys and has them introduce themselves. The pretty one speaks up first. “hello, my name in Jung Jinhyeong. It’s very nice to meet you.” He must have felt the coldness in the room but that didn’t stop him from smiling at us. The baby faced teen next to him shuffled his feet a bit before speaking in a surprisingly confident tone, “Hello, I’m Jung Chanwoo, nice to meet you hyungs” I didn’t think it would be possible for there to be more tension. Even the camera crew begin to shuffle due to the uncomfortable silence. I am not surprised when Bobby steps forward to greet the new guys and introduce themselves. I look over him fondly as he flashes his eye smile and the I can see the other guys visible relax. With Bobby breaking the ice, the boys went around saying their names, and soon it reaches my turn. They all turn to me with different looks in their eyes. I can see my boys begging me to be nice but it is the look in the new guy’s eyes that I am truly interested in. The two of them look fairly young. Not that I’m old but they don’t carry the same weight that most trainees seem to carry on their shoulders. They are both good looking but the slightly darker one with the large eyes keeps staring at us as if we are huge stars. It makes me uncomfortable but I can’t help to find it cute and pity him. It’s the innocent ones that that always end up the most damaged in this business.

“I’m Kim Hanbin, work hard.” Just like that the tension is back. Mr. Yang’s eyes keep darting between us and the boys and I can tell that the sicko is enjoying this. He loves the idea of young people tearing themselves down to try and make it to the top. If they are already broken before he lays his hands on them, it makes it easier for him to control them in the future. He loves to be in control. He gets off on the fact that he holds our futures in his hands and I hate the fact that we willingly gave him that power and can do nothing about it. I am startled out of my thought by Mr. Yang clapping his hands and rising to give Jinhwan an envelope. He stops at the door on his way out to let the Camera crew know that they can stop filming for the day. On soon as the cameras shut off, one by one you can see the member’s masks drop. Junhoe is forever in a bitchy mood so for the most part he looks the same. With the freedom to say what I want I turn to the new guys. The moment Mr. Yang left they room the seemed to get smaller. “Why are you guys here?” I fix them with a glare that dares any of them to lie to me. The pretty boy has the sense to not respond but the youngest one Chanwoo looks back and says, “what do you mean hyung? We were given the opportunity to join the group.” Junhoe gives him an appreciative look at is bravery before going back to glaring at the nearest figure which just so happens to be pretty boy. I give him a look until he shifts his gaze to the floor muttering under his breath. I turn back to the baby faced teen, Chanwoo was his name I think. “This is more than a team. This is a family. I do not know why Hyun Suk would suddenly throw in two random boys but if you guys have other plans I am letting you know right now that, it’s not gonna happen. I will die before I let this family get hurt.” I look him in the eye as I say this I am impressed when his gaze does not waver. “However, if it is like how you say then I will do whatever I can to help you two succeed,” I turn my gaze to pretty boy as well as I speak, “This is not going to be easy, I am not a nice person, to anyone really so don’t take it personal. If you are looking for someone to coddle you then try Donghyuk.” I point out the sweet faced boy who makes an X with his arms. “well never mind then” I say with a hint of pride. “You’ll figure out how we work around here as you go along. If it is not about music or dance, I advise you to ask someone else. For your sake and mine.” While I have both of their attention, I finish my talk and head out. Before I reach the door, I catch Bobby’s eyes. He mouths the word “rooftop” to me and I nod back. 

I have to talk to him anyway I say to my self as I crush the letter given to me by Mr. Yang in one hand.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies, thank you for taking the time to read some more of my precious drivel^^ You have no idea how much it means to me~ University still sucks but I still enjoy it because I am a masochist lol enjoy~

Chanwoo POV  
They don’t like me. I can tell. It’s in their tight smiles and defensive stances. It is apparent in their words and conversation. I came in expecting this but I’ve ever not been welcomed anywhere. Maybe they haven’t seen my movies but something tells me they still wouldn’t give a shit. I didn’t expect to be liked right away but nothing could have prepared me for the pure animosity I saw in the eyes of Hanbin hyung. I felt frozen beneath his gaze and I help my breath as I was trapped in those dark angry orbs. I could not have looked away even if I tried. Even know as we head to the dorm for the first time, I still remember his eyes. The most alarming part is the fact that rather than from fear, my heart beats because it’s him. My face flushes because when I look up in his eyes, I want him to stand over me in other ways. I silently thank God for my dark skin that does not show my flushed cheeks. I’ve watched him since WIN and I could not agree to this opportunity fast enough. To be in the same room, with him, watch him sleep, watch him work, just watching him. I also notice I am not the only one. 

It doesn’t matter if those eyes directed at me are full of hate, I would do anything to keep those eyes on me forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a REALLY short little look into Chanwoo's cute little head:) I wish I could have written a longer chapter but midterms are coming up and I spend most of my time at work so R.I.P my freeetime^^ I do really appreciate you guys taking the time to read this and give kudos. you guys are truly the real MVPs<3<3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are back to the usual Hanbin POV. This is where things start to get a bit more different from the original show. The basis of the show is still the shame but as you hopefully have noticed by now, I have taken a lot of liberties with the storyline^^

I didn’t think it was possible but the ride back was even more tense than the ride there. There were two extra bodies in the van and they came with a lot of luggage. June, who never passes up a moment to bitch, was more than happy to help toss their stuff in the car paying no attention to where it landed or on who. “OW!” yelped on of the new boys Jinyeong, I think but June’s smirk got even wider. “oops” he said, not looking very sorry at all. I didn’t particularly care about the feelings of the new guys but I will not stand for bullying within my own group. “June..” I said while shooting him a warning look. “fine” he grumbled, not looking very pleased with the scolding. I noticed that he wasn’t being any gentler with the luggage but at least he wasn’t aiming at people anymore. I took a deep breath and tried to collect my thoughts. As I looked away from the still sulking teen, I n 

locked eyes with a familiar gaze and my stomach gave small flutters at the gentle smile that was being directed towards me. I managed to give a small smile back before I forced myself to look away. Now was not the time to be getting distracted. I noticed that the other new kid was also staring at me. When he noticed that I had caught him, he glanced down quickly but not before I saw what looked like a blush on his tan skin. Is he feeling sick? I couldn’t have him falling sick on me now. There was so much him and the other kid had to work on. Just by watching them walk, I could tell that they were much too stiff to have had any dancing experience so I was going to have to train them hard. “make sure to drink lots of water when we get back, you look a little flushed.” I heard Bobby say to the kid before I had the chance to. I shot him a grateful smile which he waved off with a grin. I glanced out the window and figured that we had about a five-minute drive left and tried to get decent plan together.

According to YG, we are moving to another dorm so that we can have more space but for now we have to make do with what we have. We are going to have to share beds for a little while to have everyone fit. I can take the couch since I barely sleep anyway and I don’t want to bother anyone else when I go to the studio so the newbies can have my bed. Satisfied that I got at least one thing figured out, I look up just in time to see that we’re home. 

It’s almost a bit comical how we left with six and came back with eight but something tells me that none else would find that funny. While there had been bits of conversations going on to keeps the uncomfortable silence at bay, having 8 teenage boys inside a small elevator takes away that luxury. It seemed that everyone was lost in their own thoughts. When we finally got home, we were greeted by the familiar chaos that was our dorm. The burning smell from the kitchen had permeated through the whole apartment which fit in with all of our moods. After stumbling through the sea of shoes that surrounded the front entrance. Having all of us standing in the middle of the living room made the living space seem so much smaller. Before putting the new guys’ belongings down, the members all turned to me for instructions on what to do. “Don’t look at me, you all live here too, I’ll take the couch but some of you have to pair up to make more space.” Bobby looked like he was ready to sleep in the living room as well but there’s no way I can handle being in the same space as him at the moment so I looked to Jinhwan for help. E must have sensed my desperation so he volunteered to spend the night in the living room with me as well. My sigh of relief must have been too loud because soon enough there were 7 pairs of eyes on me causing me to flush a bit. To cover up m embarrassment I spoke quickly to inform the newbies of the house rules. “Maknaes do most of the gross chores but everything else is rotated.” I could see Donghyuk and Junhoe celebrating out of the corner of my eye. I would be to I I had to clean up after a bunch of teenage boys. “Practice starts at 10am every day and ends whenever.” I look around carefully as I tell the last rule to make sure that the seriousness can be felt. “DO NOT and I mean DO NOT under any circumstances wake me up unless there is an emergency or one of you is dying.” After my final words I turned to leave but was stopped by someone speaking up. “So does that mean that one of us dying does not count as an emergency?” I looked to see who the smartass was and found myself face to face the new kid Jinyeong. I laughed bitterly and said “you are a YG trainee now, if you don’t feel like you are dying everyday then you aren’t working hard enough.” The kid visibly swallowed and backed down. On my way out the door, I grabbed Bobby’s arm to take him with me. It’s about time we had that talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~THERE ARE PROBABLY MORE THAN A COUPLE SPELLING/GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, FORGIVE ME!! I will fix them when I am sober lol. I figured I should get a chapter out. I promise I will not abandon this fic the way YG abandons their talented new gen artists^^ Also thank you to the angel that commented on this story, you made my day~


	7. A/N

Sorry lovelies not a chappie. I'll post the next chap with in the next couple of days so don't think I've forgotten about this fic , I'm just very used to one shots/_(^~^;;). I do however want to thank the lovelies who have commented so far and left Kudos. It really does help motivate me to know that there are people who enjoy reading my stuff^^ Anyhoo, Happy late holiday and happy new year bbys. iKON is coming back soon so please show the Konic babies lots of love <3<3<3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ Thank you for tuning in again lovelies. I kind of have a vague idea of where I want to take this but 90% of this story is just my stream of consciousness. I will try to come up with some type of map so I can get things together, enjoy^^

I spend about fifteen minutes just pacing back and forth on the roof trying to figure out how to start talking. All of my bravado had disappeared the moment I was alone with Bobby on the rooftop. I could feel his eyes on me as I continued to hesitate. After another minute of me attempting to speak and failing, I felt a strong grip on my wrist and was pulled down beside Bobby. “Look at me for a sec” he gently ordered. When I still refused to meet his gaze, he put his hands on my thighs and turned my body towards his. Tilting my head up to face his, he cracked a small smile. “Much better.” I couldn’t help but give him a small smile back. I took a small breath and was cut off before I could begin. “Breathe Bin, I’m not going anywhere.” Bobby looked at me softly while waiting for me to collect my thoughts. I took another deep breath and took comfort in his familiar, soothing scent. “ I…I’m just really scared … of a lot of things right now.” He looked at me for a moment before asking “…am I one of those things?” I can’t bring myself to answer while still facing him so I look away before nodding once. It becomes easier to speak when I don’t see his face in front of me. Easier to pretend I am just talking to myself. “You know, I read a poem once about how we look to other people to see who we are, how the eyes of others are like mirrors.” Out of the corner of my eye, I can see that Bobby is as confused as I figured he would be. I don’t even know where I am going with this but the words keep pouring out of my mouth. I get to my feet as I continue rambling. “I can’t look at mirrors for too long because I don’t ever like what I see. I can only focus on the face of a loser, someone who let the team down. I’m weak and I continue to drag the rest of you down with me. I say the meanest things and I push you guys to insane limits all the time. I am not even sure why you guys waste your time with me.” The more I speak these secret truths I lock within myself, they more they sting but at this point I gladly welcome the pain. “My work so far has been mediocre at best and even those words from the president are being generous. You know the worst part of all of it though?” I spit out running my hands through my hair “you guys look at me like I’m some sort of hero. Like there is actually something that I can do and it hurts so much because I know I’m going to let you guys down again and it’s going to be over for us. I can’t do anything without you guys but you all have so much potential, you can go anywhere and you guys would be great but instead you are stuck here without someone like me as leader.” My voice cracks a bit while I finish and silence follows. I’m too scared to face Bobby after what I just said so I turn towards the door ready to escape. He going to think I’m crazy and he’s not going to want me anymore, not that he ever really said he did but I had let myself hope for a miracle. I can feel tears blurring my vision but I refuse to cry in front of another audience.

“Is this what you tell yourself when we aren’t around?” I stop when I hear bobby’s quiet question behind me. “This is what Hyun Suk has been filling our head with all this time? What are we even here for if the only time you tell me what’s on your mind is when you blow up at me?” I turn around to see Bobby looking angrier than I’ve ever seen him. “God Hanbin, how can you say these things about yourself? We would have ever gotten this far without you. The reason we have all of this potential and talent is because you’ve helped us find it!” I can see all the hurt and fury in his eyes and it keeps me from running away even though it is what I desperately want to do. Since I can’t run now, I do the next best thing, I lash out. Spinning around I yell out “you can say that so easily because you don’t know what it’s like to lead the team! I read and hear the things that are written about me and our team every day! You are not the one who has to see the boys he was supposed to protect get torn apart by the media and be unable to do anything. I was supposed to keep us together and make us strong and now there is a chance that we need new members. You know what president Yang is trying to tell us? WERE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!” after that I feel all the fight leave my body. This wasn’t how this talk was supposed to go. I haven’t even told him the worst of the news yet. “Bin…. You can’t keep having these kinds of thoughts if you want to lead the kids well. They have to see you with a good mind to feel okay. Why don’t you talk to me anymore? Why don’t you talk to Jinhwan anymore?” I can hear the hurt in Bobby’s voice but I’m too numb at this point to do anything about it. I hate that he has to see me like this. I already feel like a failure but I didn’t anyone to see how weak I am, especially not him. The one I lo-. I can’t even finish that thought without feeling a new wave of shame wash over me. My team is in danger and I’m sitting here selfishly thinking about my feelings.  Bobby is like a distant dream I should never have had in the first place. I guess all this self-loathing is just my punishment for being this way. I feel my eyes begin to tear up again and I can’t get up fast enough.

I take the balled up piece of paper that has been burning a hole in my pocket and shove it into Bobby chest. He looks at me with surprise after he opens it up. “What is..” I laugh bitterly when I say, “We are not safe either, you and I.” He looks back at the paper in disbelief, “Isn’t this show for underground rappers? Why-“ but by that point I’m already walking away “Hanbin!” I ignore him till I get to our shared room door and them I break. The tears I’ve been holding back flood my face I and hear him calling my name through the door. I know he can hear my crying but after a while the knocking stops and I can hear Jinhwans soft voice leading him away. By now the rest of the boys probably hear me too but all this does is trigger another wave of sadness that I have no strength left to fight off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ my poor baby why am I doing this to you……sadly it will get worse before it gets better but the important thing is that he gets better. I will edit this chapter tomorrow or smth lol but for now bear with my mistakes. Anyhoo, the bbys are coming back so be on the lookout for my iKINGs whenever that burning trashcan YG decides to release teasers and dates^^


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies!!! Song Yunyeong is a beautiful, beautiful man and If I wasn’t so gay, I would probably be obsessed. PS. I want nothing more than to please you amazing humans but when making a request regarding my updating, a “please” goes a lot further than anything else. I have a busy work and school schedule so this is something I do for fun in my very little downtime. That is all. Enjoy this longer chapter because you guys have earned it for being patient with me and I can’t thank you guys enough<3<3 feel free to leave suggestions, criticisms, reviews in the comments just remember to be nice because I’m a sensitive Pisces~

I have been staring at the same spider on the wall for over two hours. I can hear the muffled voices of my members outside but it is as if I am trapped in a vacuum. I feel so embarrassed that I let them see me like that but even that feeling is not a big as the shame I feel for blowing up at Bobby. I hadn’t wanted the talk to go in that direction but when I saw the warmth and affection in his eyes, I felt like such a fraud. He deserves better than my mess and now he knows it. Part of me still wishes for him to look at me the same way though. I let out a humorless chuckle. Look at me. My team is in danger of being split up and my thoughts are only focused on my relationship issues. This is why band members shouldn’t date... among other things. I need to get to the studio soon. There are too many thoughts in my head and I need to forget myself in my music files. That same spider still hasn't moved from its spot on the wall.

I wonder if he is in the same head space as me. Does he also look at me when he needs to be out of his body? I imagine he is a boy otherwise I won’t be able to project on him anymore. I can’t help but try to imagine what it would be like to be as small as that spider. Would I have the same worries and fears that I do now? Would my insecurities shrink along with my size? Would I- my thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a series of loud knocks. I turn back to the wall with every intention of ignoring whoever is on the other side of the door but it looks like the noise scared the spider away. With a loud sigh, I turn around to get the door. “There better be some type of emergency for you to be beating down my door like this.” Naturally the only person I would expect this behavior from and the one who is actually behind my door are one and the same. “what do you need Ju-ne?” He rolls his eyes before answering with his special brand of sass. “The hyungs were worried about you but they didn’t know how to approach you so they sent me. They said something about me not having a filter so I was the best options to check up on you. So like…..are you good now? You kind of came home and looked like you were ready to kill someone so I was hoping they would send Donghyuk or something.” He says the last part while laughing a bit and all I can do is stare at him. He is just so freaking weird that I can’t even be upset at his rambling. Besides, as much as they fight, we all know how much him and Donghyuk care for each other. He is still talking and laughing to himself as I brush past him to go get something to drink.

I walk past the other guys on the way to the kitchen and I can hear Ju-ne when he finally realizes that I walked away. I am laughing at his reaction by the time I reach the fridge. It doesn’t take a psychic to know that Jinhwan followed me into the kitchen so I just wait for him to ask his question while I try to think of a believable lie to tell him. He takes a breath and my body tenses up. He doesn’t say a word like I think he will but I feel him coming closer to me. He turns my stiff body around and places his hand on my cheek. I release the shuddering breath I have been holding and feel tears prickling my eyes again. What I love about Jinhwan is how well he knows me. He has been the parent figure that my mother is unable to be right now. He wipes away the tear that runs down my cheek and pulls me down into a warm hug. "I..I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to do all this” I say with my voice thick with unshed tears and years of pent-up exhaustion. My words are muffled into his shoulder but I know he hears me clearly. He just pats me back and lets me stay as I am for a moment and then he says “we never asked you to be.” I let his words sink in while I calm down. I remain in his embrace and just let myself be soothed by the sound for his heart beat and breathing. Pulling myself together, I straightened up and tried to put on a smile. Judging by the worried look on Jinhwan’s face, it was probably a failed attempt. “Thank you…for not asking what happened.” I glance at him again and mumble at the floor. He smiles gently when he says “Do you think I just met you yesterday? Since when have you answered question about your problems honestly?” He says it Jokingly but I know how much he worries for me since I hold back so much. “Besides, I’ll probably hear it from Bobby soon. We both know you don’t get that worked up over anything unless that brat is involved.” He threw me a wink on his way out of the kitchen.

I’m not going to think about what Jinhwan meant by any of what he just said yet because I can’t afford to put anymore thoughts in my brain. I find the juice I am looking for and when I poke my head out of the fridge, I catch the one of the new kids staring at me. We make eye contact for a while I rack my brain trying to remember his name. “you’re… Chanwoo…right?” He looks surprised that I got his name right and nods in awe. I feel awkward with him just staring at me so I try to think of something else to say to him. “have you gotten your things settled in well?” He nods shyly and speaks in a quiet tone that is much different from the one he used earlier. “T..Thank you for letting me use your bed, you didn’t have to do that.” Looking over my shoulder as I try to find a cup to use. “I know kid, it’s not a big deal. I don’t sleep there most nights anyway.” I give up on finding the cup and just drink straight for the bottle. The kids is still watching me and blushes when I catch him staring again. It seems like he has some sort of hero crush and I think it’s adorable. Donghyuk was the same way with Bobby when he first got here but it all ended after just one practice session. I’m gonna miss this kid's wide-eyed expression when its gone. This life really sucks the life out of you after a while and being a trainee just turns all your dreams into baggage. I put the bottle back in the fridge and ruffle the kid’s hair on my way out. “If anyone asks where I am, I’ll be at the studio. Don’t be late for practice tomorrow.” His face is bright red as he trips over his words to say goodbye.

Bobby POV

I’d been looking for Hanbin since he ran away after he blew up but finding him quietly sobbing in Jinhwan’s arms has me thinking I should probably stay away for a bit. I can’t get the image of Hanbin breaking down in front of me out of my head. It kills me to see him in so much pain but what makes it worse is the fact that I had never seen past the mask that he puts on in front of us. I don’t know how it happened but somewhere along the line, Hanbin has been putting up a wall between us and I don’t know how to climb over it. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to until tonight. I don’t like dealing with complicated things but after seeing the pain and hurt in Hanbin’s eyes tonight, I want nothing more than to protect him forever. I laugh bitterly, how am I supposed to protect someone who refuses to be in the same room as me if there is no one else around. I hear voices coming from the kitchen and it pulls me out of my thoughts. I don’t see Jinhwan anymore but the one of the new guys is in there talking to someone. I can’t see or hear who it is but judging by the flush on the kids face, I probably don’t need to know what they are talking about. Suddenly I catch some movement out of the corner of my eye and call out to the small figure. “Hey Jinan! You got a minute?” Jinhwan turns and starts to walk towards his room so I know he heard me and follow him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE BABIES COME BACK ON THE 25th!!!!! PLZ support them however you can, they deserve the world and more after all they have been through and how hard they've worked^^


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terrible I know TT^TT this took way too long and tbh I'm not even sure if this was worth it but here is the next chapter. I'll try to explain more at the end why it took so long but there is a slight trigger warning in this for a panic attack. I just kind of wrote what happens to me when I get them but I don't want to trigger anyone so be warned. You'll be able to tell when it starts and ends^^ This isn't beta'd but enjoy!!!!

Bobby POV

Walking into Jinans room always feel like stepping into a warm pool. There is this wave of calm that just washes over you the moment you come through the door. There is just enough mess in here to make you feel at ease but there is an undeniable method to the madness that is just so Jinhwan I can’t help but chuckle. There have been countless nights spent in here with the members just talking out loud about our dreams and worries. This was where we became a family and this is our safe space. I’m pretty sure that Jinhwan keeps the extra bed in here still just because he knows that at some point he will wake up to find one of the boys curled up in it holding on to one of the many extra pillows in the dorm. All of a sudden I am filled with so much affection for the smaller boy and can’t help but smile as I remember all of the times I found myself in that extra bed listening to Jinhwan’s soothing voice as he sings loud enough that I can hear him but low enough that the other guys don’t hear him so I won’t feel embarrassed for needing his comfort. I get so lost in my musings that I forget that Jinhwan has been waiting for me to speak.

 “I suppose this has something to do with the way Hanbin has been spreading his darkness all through the dorm the past few days?” I could hear the teasing in his voice as we spoke and gave a small smile. “And here I thought we were being subtle” At this he actually laughed out loud. “Subtle? You two are about as subtle as Junhoe when he is hungry. You’ve been dancing around your issues for years now, I’m actually happy that it seems like you are actually addressing the tension instead of ignoring it. I thought I was going to have to sit you guys down and literally spell things out for you. I know we are all family but that is not a conversation I ever want to have with any of you,” Jinhwan wrinkled his nose at the thought. “To be completely honest, I don’t really understand why you guys put yourself through the whole emotional mess. It’s so much more fun to play around” he said with a cheeky wink. I laugh to myself as I say “poor Junhoe” he gives me a weird look.” What does he have to do with any of this. I sigh “don’t worry about it dude.” For someone who give such good advice, he is actually really blind to his own situations.  

“Getting back to the situation, it’s not as simple as sitting him down and talking. It’s like he is trying to hide himself from me. There is something going on and he keeps shutting me out. He is shutting all of us out. He’s not sleeping well, he barely eats, he has basically locked himself in the studio for about three months now and I can’t get through to him.”  I run my hands through my hair messily, “I know he still feels guilty about what happened on WIN but he needs to move on and stop blaming himself. We have been given the chance of a lifetime but we all need to be our best and honestly he looks like a dead man walking. If I can’t even talk to him about music, how can I talk about there possibly being an us? Did I mention YG signed us up for a different Survival show too? It’s like he wants him dead.” I am about to start going on another rant when Jinhwan interrupts, “Another survival? What do you mean?” I look at him weirdly, “Hanbin didn’t mention it? YG signed us up for Show Me The Money this season.” Jinhwan pales when he hears this. “but between writing song for our album and training the new kids, there is barely enough time to sleep. What is he thinking right now?” He looks angry now but I don’t blame him. It’s true. This is all too much for one person to handle and Hanbin is barely hanging on as it is. I trail off after that lost in my thoughts. I hate the fact that there is nothing I can do for him. It seems like my feelings are just one more thing that he doesn’t have time to deal with and that hurts me more than anything else.

Hanbin POV

The walk to the studio always helps to put my mind at ease. The streetlights that line my path are very familiar. I’ve been making this same journey for years now but recently, my steps have been heavier than they’ve ever been. I used to look forward to throwing myself into the work and now it’s like the wall of the basement room is closing in on me. I can barely breathe in the uncomfortable chairs with the cameras that track my every move. Even though everything inside me is telling me to walk the other way, my feet end up taking me to that very chair. There are a few younger trainees I recognize still practicing. I remember when my team was that young and the sight of them fill me with warmth that is quickly followed by pain when I think of all that we have given up to get to this point and what these young kids will also face. One of them notices me and waves. I rearrange my face into what I hope is an encouraging smile and wave back. I turn back to the blank screen before me and ready myself for a long day of work.

I work for about 2 hours before I realize that I am not getting anywhere. I have been fiddling with the same phrase the entire time and I can’t figure out what I hate about it. I sigh as I erase it for the 100th time and try to start over. There is nothing in my head and that terrifies me. I feel a familiar panic wash over me and find myself struggling to breathe. I clutch at my chest as my body becomes unbearably hot and I can feel my crewneck begin to stick to my skin. I raise my clammy hands to wipe my face and try to draw in shaky breaths. I can hear the blood rushing in my ears and my heart is not slowing down at all. My eyes fill with tears as I fall from my chair unto the floor. I do not want to call any attention to myself even though I am pretty sure that the trainees were already gone and press myself against the wall away from the camera. Once I am sure I am away from view, I give into the attack and muffle my loud sobs with my sleeve. I want to scream and break everything in sight to get rid of this tightness in my chest but I am trapped in this life that I chose for myself. I can’t afford to breakdown for the sake of my members. We are about to be given another chance and I can’t fail them again. I do not know how long I spend on the hard floor of the studio; it could be minutes or hours. I know I can’t stay that way forever, so I stand up on weak legs and take a final shuddering breathe before drying my tears and putting my mask back into place. I spare the computer a glance before picking up my phone and heading back home, I’ll be right back here again anyway. As always.

I’m not expecting to see anyone in the building so late so I am shocked when I run into Jiyong hyung on my way out. I try to find a way to get out of sight before he notices me but I’m not fast enough. I love talking to Jiyong hyung and I respect so much as an artist however, he has a way of seeing through me that makes me feel to raw whenever I am in his presence. This time is no difference and he runs his eyes over me before focusing his sharp gaze on my still shaking hands before I quickly tuck them into my pocket. His face softens a bit before he addresses me with a knowing smile and I hate it. I don’t want anyone’s pity. His soft voice helps push away some of the ugly feeling that have suddenly risen up within me. “You okay kid? You look like hell” he says with a friendly tone. He’s always had a bit of a soft spot for me since I joined the company and usually it fills me with pride but right now all I want is to be far from this building, this life. I try to think of a good excuse “I’m fine, just stressed about the new show” I try for a smile but I am positive it looks more like a grimace. I’m good at telling half-truths like that. “you sure that’s all? You can talk to me kid, you know that right?” “I’m sure hyung, and I know I can. Thank you.” I bow quickly and try to make a quick exit. Before I can go he grabs my arm and looks at my face as if searching for something. I can tell that he doesn’t believe me but I guess whatever he finds on my face is enough for him to hold back his curiosity for now. He sighs and lets me go “take care of yourself kid, you’ve done more than enough for a lifetime. It’s okay to not be strong all the time.” I just stay silent because I have no energy left to talk. After one last piercing look, he smiles softly and with one last arm squeeze makes his way to the nearest elevator. My eyes follow his movement for a second before turning around and walking quickly to avoid any other people. I put my headphones in and turn the music up so loud that just for a moment the deep bass and aggressive lyrics drown out my own anger and sadness.

Noone's POV

The night passes full of nerves and excitement. They have no idea what they were in for tomorrow but they are excited. The debut they have been dreaming of for years was finally within their grasp. They have spent the past year practicing and getting better for another chance and they would finally be getting it. Even the new boys forgot about their nerves for a bit because of the contagious happiness among the younger members. Donghyuk picks out his practice clothes with with a huge grin on his face while Junhoe could not stop dancing. Jinhwan just watches them both with a sweet smile on his face. As cautious as he is when it comes to YG's decisions, even he cannot help but be a little excited for the new life they were about to begin. Yunhyeong is methodically going over all the things he would need to bring with him when they moved dorms but even he has a smile on his face. Bobby didn't know what to expect and was filled with worry for Hanbin who still was not home but he couldn't ignore the excitement that he felt at the prospect of being on stage again. The door finally opens and they are all met by the tired face of their leader. Hanbin offers them all a small smile before setting himself on his bed with a heavy sigh. "Everything is going to start to change tomorrow" His words sparks different feelings in all of the boys and almost in unison they all went to their rooms to grab pillows and blankets before settling in a pile around their strong broken brother. "Not everything" Jinhwan says as he gently squeezes Hanbin's hand before wrapping his arm back around Donghyuk with just moves in closer to his hyungs warmth. After a few minutes he sighs and whispers something to Yunhyeong who is closest to the edge of the huddle. Yunhyeong nods and carefully untangles himself from Junhoe's long limbs before rising up quietly and walking towards the rooms. a minute later he comes back followed by the two nervous newbies. The is a bit of awkward silence before Jinhwan meets each of their eyes and gives them each a small smile before the tension falls away and they both pick a spot at the edge of the huddle. Yunhyeong reclaims his spot and Junhoe reaches out for him once more before they both start to drift off. Hanbin looks around to see the huddle of boys and for the first time in a while he allows himself a real smile. He reaches out for Jinhwan's hand and meets his hyung's closing eyes "you're right" his smile says "not everything" Jinhwan beams before drifting off. He then looks over to Bobby to find the boy looking back. They fall asleep while watching the other and that is more than enough for the both of them.  

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically I have high functioning depression but I still have really bad episodes and the school year was a very stressful one which didn't help so I kind of hid in my room for a long time and couldn't do anything but lay in my bed and be really sad and hate everything. I've been trying to go to counseling though, it helped me during high school so hopefully it makes thing a little easier. Enough about me lol have have you guys been?? I feel a lot better now though so expect more updates and I promise this fic will be finished even if it drags<3<3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terrible I know but I'm back again uwu I can't even to imagine the amount of errors that might be in this lol

Bobby POV

I manage to wake up before the other members do so I have first dibs on the shower. There is no rush so I just lie down for a few minutes first. I look to see all the sleeping faces around me and I’m taken back by how young everyone looks. I sometimes forget that the majority of us our still in our teens. It feels like we’ve already lived a whole lifetime. My eyes land on Hanbin’s face and I am careful not to sigh out loud so that I do not wake anyone. It has been a while since I saw him look this peaceful. I silently trace his features with my eyes. Staring from those eyes that used to be so full of light and laughter. If they were open right now, I know all I would see is a cold emptiness. My eyes move down past his nose to his full lips. Really it is unfair for a guy to be blessed with such a pretty mouth. I can’t help but think of how soft they must be and how much I long to feel them against mine. In fact, if I just moved in a bit closer, I would feel his warmth breath against my face just before I—I am started by Hanbin suddenly rolling over and facing away from me. I can’t believe I was ready to attack my best friend in his sleep. I get up quickly and quietly before I do something to ruin our friendship. 

I make it to the bathroom without waking anybody and let out a long sigh, it is getting harder for me to control my feeling for that boy. Not that I particularly want to but I would never willingly put Hanbin in an uncomfortable situation. I laugh at myself when I think of just how tightly he has me wrapped around his finger and he doesn’t even realize. I turn on the shower to get the water to heat up and I am about to grab my towel when I spot something on the floor. It looks like a pill bottle so I’m assuming one of the boys left painkillers lying around again. It was probably Junhoe I say, chuckling to myself. I am expecting just a regular bottle of aspirin so I really confused when I see a prescription written on the side. Even more so when I see Hanbin’s name on it. He never said anything about going to the hospital for anything serious enough to require a prescription. The company is really strict about that type of thing because of the records. It looks like he’s even seeing a different doctor than who we usually go to. I am trying to find the name of the medication when it is suddenly snatched from my hands. I look up quickly to see a pale Hanbin holding the bottle with shaking hands. I put on a calming smile because he doesn’t look so good. “Morning Bin, you okay? You look kind of pale” I point to the bottle in his hands “You sick or something? I found it on the floor and—“ “Did you read it?!!?” Hanbin interrupts me in a panic. “The bottle, did you read it?” he asks in a slightly calmer voice in the face of my confusion. “No dude, you grabbed it too quickly” laughing a bit to try and calm him down. He visibly calms at my words. “Should we be worried? I saw enough to read that those are prescription. He tenses at my words before he smiles slightly “They are just to help me sleep, you know how I am. Any way, you look like you were about to shower so I’ll leave you to it and go wake the boys.” He leaves the bathroom before I can say anything but not before tucking the bottle deep in his pockets. I stare after him, shower forgotten.

I lied when I said that was all I saw. I read what those pills are for. Hanbin has been taking Anti-depressants.

Hanbin POV

I’m panicking, I know I am but I can’t help it. That was way too close for comfort. I go back to my room to find the box. I dig through my back to find the silver box has kept me hanging on this past year. I hate myself for being too weak but I can’t hide the relief I feel as I place the orange bottle next to the little baggies of white and blue pills. After a minute, I feel a familiar need and quickly swallow two white tablets dry. I hate this, I hate everything about this but I can already feel myself calming down and lay back in bed. After what fells like an eternity, my body immediately feels lighter and my thoughts have quieted down enough for me to face the day. I tuck the box back into its hiding place but not before stuffing another baggie into my pocket. If I keep being careful, everything will be okay. It’s not like I have a serious problem anyway. You should take medicine when you are sick and no one is sicker than I have been for the past year. This is what I keep repeating to myself but even after 4 months, I find it just as hard to believe as I did back then. I head out of my room quickly before I get swallowed by a familiar wave of shame.

I’m crossing my fingers that I do not run into Bobby before we need to leave and it seems like for once, the universe is actually on my side. I am met by the sunny face of Donghyuk as he drags a helpless and red looking Jinyeong behind him. “Hyung! I was just looking for you! I was talking to Jinyeong earlier and he told me that he has never danced before! Can you believe it?!!?” I immediately stop feeling sorry for myself and instead focus on what could potentially be a huge problem. It occurs to me right in that moment that I have to come up with all new formation and choreography to make up for the additional members and their no doubt terrible dance skills. I feel a stress headache coming on and try to focus on what Donghyuk is saying instead of getting upset. “I told him not to worry though hyung, since you are the best teacher I know.” I feel a small rush of pride in my boys for coming as far as they have followed by shame because of how badly I let them down. I ruffle his hair with a small smile “that’s just because I have the best team a leader could hope for. Donghyuk beams at my comment and exclaims “you’re damn right you do! and-” “KIM DONGHYUK DID I JUST HEAR WHAT I THINK I JUST HEARD??” Jinhwan yells from the kitchen and Donghyuk’s face pales. He scrambles away still dragging poor Jinyeong by the wrist and I can’t help but laugh at the familiar morning scene.  
The van ride is an awkward affair and it’s mostly silent because of everyone’s nerves so I’m glad it is over quickly. Today is the first official day of filming so we are go to get the information we need for the first episode from Mr. Yang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The iKONs come back 10-01. Perhaps my wig is already in space. maybe we'll finally get to see those missing MVs^^


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